Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Today, I shined my cordovan shoes with urine and ketchup-stained napkins.
I am feeling ill today.
Wandering The Street of Ugly Curmudgeons that rings round the outer bounds of our Microregion's rankest sub-region, I stumbled upon a lorry driver with a most curious countenance. When I paused to examine the man and his ludicrous lorry, I could not help but note that he bore a striking resemblance to one Vin Diesel, my comrade-in-arms and collegial co-worker. Upon an attempt to further examine the man's facial features, said lorry driver slammed his poor lorry's door, and roared off down a twisting, misted roadway.
Needless to say, I gave chase.
Lo!, did I give chase; and Woe! to he that was hunted.
Wheeling wildly down the whirly-curving cobblestones, I pursued with an angry fury bordering on the inanest of illiterate insanities. Heat rising from my steaming pate, a glow flowing from my sweating skin, I began removing the superfluous garments that had been hindering my sprinting form and proscribing my range of motion.
And as my waistcoat and trousers skidded to the street, I heard the nearby chug of the offending lorry--not far ahead.
My efforts redoubled.
Socks dropping like hot rocks, shoes falling like potatoes, watch smashing into a million minute units, hat crumpling like the Sunday funnies, jockstrap wrapped round a lightpole, spats flat on the vomit-slick street, I chased said lorry with lightning loins and crazed face ravaged with the pain of lactic acid.
The lorry slowed before my eyes, and I peered intently into the auto's rear view mirror, seeing fear in the face of the man I planned on questioning.
And then: he was caught. Climbing a final hill, my natural speed - the speed of the monkeys, the swiftness of the Great Apes - proved too much for his diesel-fueled determination. And he was mine.
Quickly, I removed the lorry's license plate (ENG 453), smashed it angrily on the curb, and pointed at the driver with righteous rage.
I then went in search of a neighborhood greengrocer, to sate my animal thirst.
That is all.
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